Why I Just Posted Last Week's Blog.... (The Procrastination Principle)

Over a decade into this new millenia, I think it’s time to speak up for an oft-maligned, misunderstood group of people. As one of these people, I only regret that it has taken me so long to speak out for my lifestyle. Today, I proudly admit that I am a procrastinator.

“Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?” Thousands, even millions of procrastinators like myself live by this creed each and every day. We are drawn to the lifestyle of putting things off by several varying motivations. Some of us become procrastinators in the eyes of society because our priorities don’t fall in line with what the majority of people think we should deem as critical. Some of us become procrastinators for health reasons. Some of us have witnessed the effects of this world’s chaotic, frantic pace first-hand and have taken it upon ourselves to slow things down. For our philosophical ideals, we are scolded, criticized, yelled at and even condemned by the organized “do-it-todayers” of the world. I, for one, am tired of all the abuse.

Largely misunderstood for centuries, procrastinators like myself are a proud people. We believe that not only is procrastination not a bad thing, but when used correctly can actually become a powerful tool in a person’s life. It is this belief that leaves us striving each and every day to do what “procrastinaphobes” might never accomplish; wait patiently for tomorrow.

The first step to becoming a successful procrastinator is to put some things off until the last possible moment. Start out with a couple of small things: studying for a quiz, completing a small project at work, or just waking up 20 minutes late. After a few weeks of putting off smaller things until the last possible moment, you can move on to the bigger stuff.

Having been a procrastinator most of my life, there are several things I am able to do that would petrify a “procrastinaphobe.” I do all of my Christmas shopping after dark on Christmas Eve. I can wake up, shower, eat breakfast (Pop Tarts), and be at my office in seven minutes flat. I know exactly how many miles my car will go after the empty light comes on and rarely ever run out of gas. The list goes on and on, but as I only have 12 minutes to finish this blog I have to get to the point.

Procrastinators like myself “wait” in order to create an environment of extreme pressure. Procrastination breeds pressure and those who best learn to deal with this pressure are more likely to succeed in a tight situation. Thus, emerges the procrastinator’s formula:

RESPONSIBILITIES / TIME = SUCCESS. If you have 20 responsibilities to attend to, and they take you four days, you have achieved a success factor of five. However, if you save all 20 for the last day, you will achieve a success factor of 20! (20/1=20) In today’s “portable, spill-proof coffee mug, USB compatible, no time to read my e-mail, U.S.A. Today, call me in my car, 5-minute rice, fully microwavable, 15-minute guarantee or lunch is free” business world, assignments often have to be completed three to four working days before you even know what you’re working on. Procrastination is the most proven method of training known.

Recent studies have shown that stress causes heart disease, ulcers and several other physical problems. A “do-it-todayer” might worry about getting things organized and done six or even seven days a week. However, an experienced procrastinator would be able to worry about the same things in just one day. Thus, he is about six or seven times less likely to develop stress-related heart disorders and will probably end up having a few extra years to get things done anyway.

Living a lifestyle of procrastination isn’t without its problems. I’ve been doing it all of my life and I still make minor miscalculations that cause me to miss a deadline for an assignment, have to purchase Christmas gifts that I know are the wrong size or color, run out of gas or pay late fees on bills. It takes practice to perfect procrastination, and I’m still several years from mastering the art.

Remember, if you don't sign up to follow my blog - there's always tomorrow...

Potts on Pots (The Toilet Seat Blog)

Darrell Potts

Even in a blog like this, I’m not afraid to tackle difficult issues from time to time. This week, I am barreling head-first into one of the most controversial issues of our time: the toilet seat; up or down?

There is perhaps no other topic in modern marriages that provokes the controversy and rage as much as this topic. Just like other men, I have been told by women my entire life that the seat should always be left in the down position. And, just like most men, I often forget and leave it in the up position, prompting a scolding from my mom or wife. Today, as we approach the 21st century, I am calling for men everywhere to begin a change. Robert Lindler once said, “As a dimension of man, rebellion actually defines him.” Now is the time for men to rebel together and leave the toilet seat up when finished.

There are several problems with the current system of toilet etiquette we are expected to observe. First of all, it is outdated. As the roles of women has changed in modern society (from our homes to our businesses), it has not changed in the bathroom. They still seem to rely on man to take all responsibility for the toilet seat position, while themselves only complaining when we forget.

Men are expected to 1) pull the seat up, 2) be accurate, and 3) return the seat to the down position while women only have to 1) sit. Understandably, many women complain that finding a seat in the up position in the middle of the night can be extremely unpleasant. However, men are expected to perform their three responsibilities no matter what the time of day. I’m not asking for women to start putting the seat in the up position all the time, only that men are allowed to leave it up upon completion.

My argument for leaving the seat alone when you are finished has mathematical support. Let's say that men and women go to the bathroom an equal amount of times. Also, let's assume guys go "#1" four times for every "#2". Now if the female goes, the seat has to be down. If the male goes, it may be up or down depending on the use. So the following table emerges.

Total % of Toilet Use

Male #1 40%

Male #2 10%

Female 50%

If everyone keeps using the current form of etiquette and always returns the seat to the down position, the male has to move the seat 80% of the time he uses the bathroom. Of the two people, for every 100 bathroom trips, the seat has to be moved a total of 80 times (40 male #1 trips x 2 motions - considering that the seat is returned to the down position every time it is pulled up).

Now, if we change etiquette and simply leave the seat in its last position of use, the maximum number of times it needs to be moved is once to adjust to the current position. In this case, the seat is in the incorrect position 60% of the time for male #1, and for male #2 and female use, it is incorrect 40% of the time. So for every 100 bathroom trips, the seat has to be moved 24 times (60% of 40 male #1 trips) + 24 (40% of 60 male #2 and female) for a total of 48 times. A savings of 32 toilet seat motions per 100 bathroom trips!

While women would be asked to complete more total motions than in the current system, they would always have gravity working with them.

In the words of John F. Kennedy, “Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future.” Let’s starting working towards a resolution to this age-old problem. Men, take the energy you’re saving by leaving the seat up and utilize it to concentrate on accuracy. Women, accept your new responsibility and remember to look first in the middle of the night. Together, we can make the toilet a better place for everybody.

Dad's First Cuss Word

I was always taught that there were certain words you didn’t say for any reason. My dad was never much of a cusser. I was in junior high the first time I heard my father utter a profanity. Just like we did on most Saturdays in the summer, Dad and I got our fishing equipment together and headed out to find a new fishing hole. We’d always try to find some unknown hole in a creek or river where 5 - 10 pound lunkers hid in the deepest water. We were rarely successful. This particular Saturday was no exception.

We had fished up a river for several hours with only a couple of small bass to tell our family about when we got home. We were having a good enough time that we failed to realize how far we had walked. With the sun starting to go down, Dad decided we could take a short cut across a field saving us valuable daylight minutes.

A couple of miles of waist-high, tick-infested hayfields later we came across a barbed wire fence. It was tight, well strung, and included a double electric cable running approximately six inches to either side of the barbed wire structure. We could hear the voltage running through it, but wondered if it was enough to hurt. Having crossed dozens of such obstructions in the past, however, we weren’t too concerned.

On fences like this (where you can’t just slip between two loose cables) I was usually expected to take the lead. I was a long jumper on the junior high track team and could get pretty good elevation when I needed to. Dad’s job was to hold down the top wire as much as he could, while I would get a running start and hurdle the fence. The plan worked well. Getting dad over the fence would prove to be a little more challenging.

I’ve heard (from hours of “glory days” stories about Dad’s brilliant athletic career at Calvin, Oklahoma) that my dad used to be pretty athletic. However, I am only now starting to understand the impact that Twinkies, Cokes, cheese dip, fried chicken, milk, and lack of exercise can have on your vertical leap. My dad understood this very well. He decided that if I held down the top of fence for him, he could simply straddle the fence and step over.

I got a good grip on the top of the fence and pushed it down as far as possible. I was very careful not to touch the electric cord on my side of the fence with my exposed shin. Dad pulled up his left leg and carefully put it over the top of the fence. He was moving ever so slowly to try and keep from touching either electric cord (which would be within a couple of inches of either knee when his first step was completed). My arms were getting tired at this point.

What happened next I will never forget. Dad lost his balance while he was straddling the fence and kicked the electric cord. The cord, which I would discover had plenty of volts running through it to cause extreme pain, hit me against the shin. I reacted as any person would when confronted with that sort of pain; I got as far away from the source of pain as I could.

I guess I sort of left my dad hanging, so to speak, straddled on the fence with a few thousand volts running through both legs. Actually the barbed wire fence he was straddling and the electric cords had become tangled together by this time, so the entire fence was alive. Because the fence picked his feet up off the ground when I let go of it and his mobility was hampered, he had a heck of a time getting off that fence. It was during those couple of seconds that my dad shouted an obscenity that could be heard in all of the four surrounding counties. Just like him, I was shocked.

Since then, I have determined that there are a few occassions where a cuss word, while not entirely acceptable, can at least be forgiveable. Later this afternoon, I will be journeying to the revenue office. Forgive me if I cuss.

A New Husband's Guide to Laundering Money

A Married Man’s Guide to Regaining Financial Control (Securing money for a new bicycle)

Darrell Potts

A friend of mine, Brett Robinson, recently became a married man. In addition to being a new husband, Brett is also an avid mountain biker. As he has recently discovered, these two positions don't always co-exist in perfect harmony. Rummaging through the archives of my old column (Pottshots, Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, '97 - '01), I was able to find one column Brett might find of use. I haven't edited this column to allow for my additional 13 years of marital wisdom, so the techniques of money laundering may seem a bit crude. However, as a frame of reference for a new husband, there are still some remnants of plausibility. Here is the column as it appeared, Brett. Hope it helps you with that new shock for your mountain bike.

"My name is Darrell Potts, I have been happily married for about 2 years, and I have lost control of my personal finances. Admitting that you no longer have control of your personal finances is the first step to recovery.

The first, and perhaps most common, mistake made by men getting married is that they use conventional mathematics to determine their financial situation (1+1=2). When I added my salary to my wife’s salary and figured in all of the money we would save on rent and utilities, the numbers were impressive. However, in marital mathematics the formula is much different (1+1=0.75). Once you accept this formula and its implications on your daily life you can begin to address your individual situation.

From my observations, there are two types of husbands: Those who have lost control and are struggling to recover, and those who have lost complete control and don’t know it. My father falls into the latter category. When confronted with the possibility that my mom controlled the money, Dad reacted passionately. “I’ll show everybody who’s in charge of the money around here,” he said. “I’m going to have the kitchen completely re-modeled this year and there’s not a thing your mother or anyone else can do about it.” For men like my father, we can only try to make their time here on earth as comfortable as possible.

For the rest of us, there are some things we can do to regain a portion of the financial independence we once knew. The three techniques I have included worked for me for a period of time before my wife found out. They are the only methods I can mention without significantly affecting my own situation. I’m sure you understand.

1) Buying Tools. Every guy needs more power tools, and few wives understand why. The key to getting the tools you need is to educate your wife about the reasons for needing them. For example, we recently installed new carpet. Afterwards, a couple of our doors needed to be shortened in order for them to be opened and closed easily. I could have taken the doors off the hinges, carried them into the garage and shortened them with my circular saw (the tool of choice for this type of job). However, recognizing this situation as an opportunity to get a new power tool, I told my wife that I could shorten those doors easily if only I had a DeWalt plunge router. Now my wife is no fool, and she quickly figured out that a Black & Decker router would do the job. However, I did get a new router and was able to shorten the doors with my circular saw in a matter of minutes. I used this technique to get a table saw (for working on an outdoor table), and a miter saw (for building a bench). Note: Don’t get greedy. I would still be buying tools with this technique had I not tried to buy a belt sander to shorten one of her leather belts.

2) Establishing a Slush fund. In every man’s life, there are times when cash is needed and you don’t want to go through the hassle of telling your wife why you need the money. During these times, it is very beneficial to have a “slush fund” (money that she doesn’t know about). Some men establish these funds with re-imbursement money from work (mileage, lunches, office supplies, etc.). Other men supplement their fund with money from free-lancing at work, and even gambling. However you come up with this money, I suggest that you don’t register new checking accounts under your home address. Eventually, your wife will beat you to the mail and find a statement.

3) “Laundering.” The third, and perhaps most fun, method of obtaining cash is by “laundering” the money through local retail stores. Last spring, my wife wanted me to build a new deck. When we were trying to figure out how much it cost, I estimated that it would take 220 2x4s when I knew it would only take 180. Thus, I was able to slip away with the additional 40 pieces of lumber and return them for cash - $120 of clean “laundered” money. I used this technique to generate almost $400 cash in one month. I’d still be rolling in the money if one of my friends hadn’t gotten caught “laundering” and told his wife it was my idea.

After you decide which technique seems to be best for your situation, get to work. You might not be able to gain much financial independence at first, but after awhile you will find yourself purchasing small ticket items without having to ask for money, eating lunch with friends without getting in trouble, and perhaps even buying something over $100 without having to worry about serious consequences. Oh, and if you have some other ideas that I may not be aware of, please let me know. After this column is printed, cash is going to be in short supply at the Potts house.