A New Husband's Guide to Laundering Money

A Married Man’s Guide to Regaining Financial Control (Securing money for a new bicycle)

Darrell Potts

A friend of mine, Brett Robinson, recently became a married man. In addition to being a new husband, Brett is also an avid mountain biker. As he has recently discovered, these two positions don't always co-exist in perfect harmony. Rummaging through the archives of my old column (Pottshots, Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, '97 - '01), I was able to find one column Brett might find of use. I haven't edited this column to allow for my additional 13 years of marital wisdom, so the techniques of money laundering may seem a bit crude. However, as a frame of reference for a new husband, there are still some remnants of plausibility. Here is the column as it appeared, Brett. Hope it helps you with that new shock for your mountain bike.

"My name is Darrell Potts, I have been happily married for about 2 years, and I have lost control of my personal finances. Admitting that you no longer have control of your personal finances is the first step to recovery.

The first, and perhaps most common, mistake made by men getting married is that they use conventional mathematics to determine their financial situation (1+1=2). When I added my salary to my wife’s salary and figured in all of the money we would save on rent and utilities, the numbers were impressive. However, in marital mathematics the formula is much different (1+1=0.75). Once you accept this formula and its implications on your daily life you can begin to address your individual situation.

From my observations, there are two types of husbands: Those who have lost control and are struggling to recover, and those who have lost complete control and don’t know it. My father falls into the latter category. When confronted with the possibility that my mom controlled the money, Dad reacted passionately. “I’ll show everybody who’s in charge of the money around here,” he said. “I’m going to have the kitchen completely re-modeled this year and there’s not a thing your mother or anyone else can do about it.” For men like my father, we can only try to make their time here on earth as comfortable as possible.

For the rest of us, there are some things we can do to regain a portion of the financial independence we once knew. The three techniques I have included worked for me for a period of time before my wife found out. They are the only methods I can mention without significantly affecting my own situation. I’m sure you understand.

1) Buying Tools. Every guy needs more power tools, and few wives understand why. The key to getting the tools you need is to educate your wife about the reasons for needing them. For example, we recently installed new carpet. Afterwards, a couple of our doors needed to be shortened in order for them to be opened and closed easily. I could have taken the doors off the hinges, carried them into the garage and shortened them with my circular saw (the tool of choice for this type of job). However, recognizing this situation as an opportunity to get a new power tool, I told my wife that I could shorten those doors easily if only I had a DeWalt plunge router. Now my wife is no fool, and she quickly figured out that a Black & Decker router would do the job. However, I did get a new router and was able to shorten the doors with my circular saw in a matter of minutes. I used this technique to get a table saw (for working on an outdoor table), and a miter saw (for building a bench). Note: Don’t get greedy. I would still be buying tools with this technique had I not tried to buy a belt sander to shorten one of her leather belts.

2) Establishing a Slush fund. In every man’s life, there are times when cash is needed and you don’t want to go through the hassle of telling your wife why you need the money. During these times, it is very beneficial to have a “slush fund” (money that she doesn’t know about). Some men establish these funds with re-imbursement money from work (mileage, lunches, office supplies, etc.). Other men supplement their fund with money from free-lancing at work, and even gambling. However you come up with this money, I suggest that you don’t register new checking accounts under your home address. Eventually, your wife will beat you to the mail and find a statement.

3) “Laundering.” The third, and perhaps most fun, method of obtaining cash is by “laundering” the money through local retail stores. Last spring, my wife wanted me to build a new deck. When we were trying to figure out how much it cost, I estimated that it would take 220 2x4s when I knew it would only take 180. Thus, I was able to slip away with the additional 40 pieces of lumber and return them for cash - $120 of clean “laundered” money. I used this technique to generate almost $400 cash in one month. I’d still be rolling in the money if one of my friends hadn’t gotten caught “laundering” and told his wife it was my idea.

After you decide which technique seems to be best for your situation, get to work. You might not be able to gain much financial independence at first, but after awhile you will find yourself purchasing small ticket items without having to ask for money, eating lunch with friends without getting in trouble, and perhaps even buying something over $100 without having to worry about serious consequences. Oh, and if you have some other ideas that I may not be aware of, please let me know. After this column is printed, cash is going to be in short supply at the Potts house.